Chapter 1 The Kidnapping of Richard Innocent

01:08

It was an ordinary spring day. Everything was normal, his morning coffee tasted the same as for over twenty past years, his breakfast consisted of same old fried eggs, two pieces of black bread and a bowl of cereal. His small flat had been neatly cleaned, his work shirt had been ironed last evening and his morning newspaper was read in the section of sport, current affairs, and horoscopes.

Richard Innocent was about to start his ordinary day of work. For over twenty years every day was routinely similar to other days, he woke up at the same hour, ate the same breakfast and went to (the same) work. He worked as a plumber. He was never into books nor was he into politics or something for the so-called scientists and intellectuals. But he knew a thing or two about plumbing. The job gave him a peace of mind and hands full of work. His clients told him what was wrong, whether was it an overflowing toilet, a broken pipe or a leaking tap, but then they left him to his own devices. He could shut up, do his work, eat the lunch at a local restaurant or take some takeaway and eat in the park when it was warm. After work, he would drink a beer or two in front of the TV with a plate of sandwiches for dinner. Ham and cheese. Tuna and mayo. Sausage and tomatoes. Nothing fancy, nothing expensive, nothing special.

Richard wasn’t married and he didn’t have children. He didn’t marry to avoid the pain of divorce, he didn’t have children to duck from the pain of empty nest and being forced to watch his children die before him. You know, there are accidents. Richard didn’t belong to any political party, as he didn’t know much about infrastructure, immigration, family support, prison, and taxes. He knew enough about plumbing and plumbing for years was needed, so he had never been in fear of losing his job.

Richard lived alone in his small flat. He had never been at a police station, never at a lawyer’s office, never even at a hospital. If he had a cold, he took three days off and cooked himself a hot chicken broth. If he had flu, he took a week off and, after a short visit to the doctor’s, he was equipped with medicine and cough syrup. He didn’t go to Church (you cannot really make your mind about these churches: money, injustice, corruption, pedophilia on one hand, God on the other), but he celebrated Christmas and Easter.

Richard was an ordinary man. He thought that he wasn’t any better than his peers, he wasn’t any worse. He was rather short, on the plump side. Bearded and balding, but he had days when he looked at himself in the mirror and appreciated his handsomeness. He was a notorious chocolate consumer and occasionally bought a box of ice-cream and devoured it within an hour. He had a sweet tooth. And a bunch of fat rolls due to his excessive taste in candy.

That day, and we should remind you that it was an ordinary workday, he was supposed to visit Ms. Flowers and repair a sinking tap. He also received a call from one of the town’s kindergartens and was asked to come by to repair a broken pipe that was flooding the kids’ toilet.

Ms. Flowers’ tap took longer than expected. It was an old tap and it had been repaired many times; as far as Richard was concerned it should be replaced with a new one, but Ms. Flowers was very skint and she would rather call for Richard’s services than bother with any serious expense. She didn’t think that newer meant better, but any tap other than hers would have to be better. All parts were from different tap sets and only Ms. Flowers knew how to operate the spigots to obtain decently warm water.

Richard was quite tired when he got to the kindergarten, having previously written the address on a piece of paper. It was a big brick building, possibly a three-storey detached house turned some years before into a kindergarten. It had quite a large yard rebuilt into a playground with swings, slides, climbing ladders and sand places, with little benched and little tables for children to eat their lunches and breathe some fresh air. A dozen children were playing outside and Richard smiled at their innocent faces and playful laughs.

He called at the gate and waited for an adult to appear and let him inside, but after a minute or so a boy separated the group of playing children and approached him.

‘Mr. Innocent?’, he asked.

‘Yes. I’m here to repair the leaking pipe.’

‘Oh, sure. I’m Frank. I’m supposed to show you where the toilet is.’

Richard thought that it’s nice to teach children resourcefulness even at the age of five or six. When he was little, mother gave him money to buy bread, milk, and eggs (and if there was some change also a chocolate bar or a lollipop for him) so early on he was a confident consumer. This little boy would probably be great at making use of numerous services in the future, thought Richard to himself.

He followed little Frank to the building and was shown the toilet. It was a small catastrophe. Water was everywhere, including a little bathtub and a sink. Little yellow ducks and children bathing toys were swimming on the floor. Richard had to turn off the water in the whole building, clean the mess, replace the pipe, replace two tap parts, as it was evident that within weeks the thing would be broken just as Ms. Flowers’ tap was broken, very systematically, at least once a month.

Frank was observing him all this time, but he was a good little boy, he didn’t disturb him, he didn’t even speak.

‘It’s finished!’, Richard announced triumphantly, ‘It’s all done.’

‘That’s fantastic, Mr. Richard!’ Frank was pleased.

‘Can you call one of your teachers? Or someone adult?’

Frank frowned.

‘We don’t have any teachers here.’

Richard was surprised.

‘How come you don’t have any teachers here? You cannot leave children without proper care.’

‘But we don’t leave children without care. That would be irresponsible.’

Richard was confused.

‘But you, little boy, seem to be without any care. I need to speak with someone adult about my work and ask for a payment.’

‘Mister Innocent,’ Frank tapped one of his little feet, ‘But we aren’t children. You have been mistaken. Apparently, you came to wrong conclusions. We are dwarfs.’

Richard opened his eyes widely and looked around. He rushed to the corridor and looked at the playing children. There were literally no adults inside. Not even one tall human being took care of over a hundred individuals here. Little creatures dressed in children clothes were passing him, not even paying attention.

‘What is this place?’

‘It’s a kindergarten. We bought it years ago. It allows us to spend time outside, without raising any suspicions.’

‘But these all are children...’

‘Wrong, Mr. Innocent. These are dwarfs. If you look really carefully, you will notice the difference. Do children have facial hair? Do they have beards?’

Richard looked around. As a matter of fact, some children had beards. Some of those bearded ones even had beer bellies.

‘Do children have breasts?’, Frank was enjoying the process of letting him in their secret.

Richard located some girls and noticed that under little dresses some had very protruding and significant boobs. Richard’s eyes were even wider.

‘Do you know what is an easy way to recognize a dwarf, Mr. Innocent?’

Richard shook his head. He had no idea.

‘When you look at a child’s smile it’s a smile full of joy and innocence. When you look at a dwarfs smile it’s a nasty smile. The nastiest smile that you’ve ever seen. We can’t help it. We are little perverts.’

Frank smiled to present his argument. Oh, it was a nasty smile. A mischievous, cunning and degenerated smile, as if Frank had done something really really wrong but he thoroughly enjoyed it. Richard had shivers.

‘Will you pay me?’, Richard took his tools and slowly started to leave the place. After seeing Frank’s smile he didn’t want to stay there for long.

‘Of course, Mr. Innocent. But we cannot let you free just yet. The decision has been made. We need a full-time plumber. We have no specialist to take care of it all. We have no one with the technical experience. The dwarf who cures our teeth has no idea about pipes. And accidents happen very often, you have to understand us. Once, they cut our water off and we had to drink fizzy drinks for a month. It made our teeth rot. It made some diabetic dwarfs die from sugar. You have to understand us. We have to keep you here.’

‘What do you mean to keep me here? I’m not planning to stay here any minute longer.’

Richard stared at Frank dumbfounded. Then, without giving the surprising encounter a proper time to sink in, he took his toolset and started running. He ran as quickly as his plump body allowed him to run. But then, he heard Frank’s whistle and ten little dwarfs caught his legs and arms and pulled him to the ground.