Chapter 14 Unflattering Press

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There was a pile of foreign press newspapers lying on the table, including the ones printed in the Kindergarten. Ginger George was sitting in his office, Billy Strong Fist disappeared somewhere to get drinks for him and his fellows. Wonderful Wendy was, of course, with this Innocent man, for which George was secretly glad. She made him tired. Having such a beautiful wife was good for promotion and admiration, but handling her on an everyday basis was just getting on his nerves.

To make matters worse, he had a lot more problems. He had to do something with the dwarfs to secure his position. First, he made them hungry to turn them weak and thus less likely to rebel. He was secretly afraid that they would resist him. He was also afraid that they were going to kill him, which happened to many dwarfs who held the title of the Highest Dwarf before. Ginger George was getting cautious. Intentionally, he took the sole control over the catering companies, as he was afraid of getting poisoned. He steered clear of alcohol and other toxic substances to diminish the threat of death. He felt that a lot of dwarfs were displeased with his actions, with his strict rules, which made their lives miserable and gloomy. But Ginger George was usually miserable and gloomy, so why shouldn’t others suffer like he suffered as a young dwarf? Why should they have fun when he didn’t have any fun and, to be honest, didn’t like to have any?

‘Billy? Are you here?’

‘Yes, have you been looking for me?’

‘Remind me, please, what are human substances deadly for dwarfs?’

Billy was good at finding poisons. As a young dwarf, he eradicated the family of rats which was living under the floor of his parents’ house.

‘Arsenic, mustard gas, cyanide, strychnine, ricin, cocoa, but also rat and mice poison, spinach soup, certain mushrooms, tulip flower buds and tick bites on the lower side of the body...’

‘Why only the lower?’

‘The upper is resistant to ticks. Different circulation.’

‘Oh,’ Ginger George pretended that he understood, ‘What about this cocoa? Is it available?’

‘Oh yes, in large amounts. Humans consume substantial quantities of it. They make something called chocolate. It can be high in cocoa. It makes them addicted. And fat.’

‘And what about dwarfs? What are their reactions to cocoa consumption?’

‘Sleepiness, dizziness, possibly hallucinations. In time, shivers, loss of consciousness, coma.’

‘And in large quantities?’

‘After consuming a piece of chocolate, I presume, death.’

Ginger George bit his lip.

‘No, I want a slow paralysis. Can we import this cocoa?’

‘Of course, I will make orders.’

‘Billy, do dwarfs know about the qualities of cocoa?’

‘I doubt it. But they are hungry, isn’t that so? If they have an additional sweetened cocoa cup to their meals, they will be glad.’

‘See, Billy. You know what I have in mind. That’s why I like working with you.’

‘Ginger George?’

‘Yes, Billy?’

‘There’s the punishment of beheading for infidelity. But I don’t live with my wife. I find her revolting, you have to believe me, she started growing mushrooms on her nose, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with her...’

Ginger George approached Billy. It looked funny as Billy was almost three times bigger than George. Ginger George wanted to pat him on the back but he only patted him on the buttocks.

‘You don’t have to worry about anything. My people are never beheaded. If you wish, you can choose any female dwarf and have fun with her as long as you only want. I understand that you and your boys have needs. You are big, strong dwarfs. You need to eat much and sleep much, and of course, have women to amuse you.’

‘Thank you, Ginger George. Any female dwarf?’

‘If you think about Wonderful Wendy, I’d be careful. She will make your life miserable...’

‘I was thinking about Stevie Mushroom’s wife...’

Ginger George opened his mouth, wanted to say something but resigned and closed it after a second.

‘Of course, Billy.’

Ginger George spent that day at his desk reading articles on his reign. The new version of The Kindergarten News was much more appealing to him than the one edited by Debbie Honest.

Ginger George makes our place a wonderful oasis full of buzzing bees and flourishing flower buds. It has never been such a joyful and pleasant place to be. More mothers give birth to their children, as they stopped wasting their time on redundant activities: physical training, developing their careers and getting educated. It was a concept for years taken from the human emancipation movement, but it had been proven that female brain cannot handle important male tasks, along with the lines of mining, coal supply and ruby unearthing. Females have for centuries been closed in tiny little spaces without windows and fresh air, their only task was to cook a soup and raise little dwarfs. The long-lasting order should be restored and it is slowly implemented by Ginger George. His wise decisions should be glorified as he is a true dwarf, willing to devote everything for the sake of his miners.

Ginger George would have come to bed utterly satisfied, but there was another little newspaper which lied at the bottom of the pile. It was an edition of Out of the Box.

Ginger George is an idiot. His lack of stability and wisdom infuriates us. His rules should be thrown to a garbage can. His idiocy can be proven by his colleagues, who remember him from the times when he was a child.

Sara Polka Dot ‘He always cried and made us play along his rules. He cannot deal with defeat. He is only danger.’

Tanya Ruby ‘He can’t stand women. He hated it when we proved to outwit him and did better at school tests. Now he wants us to sit at home and it is he who happens to have all the power? I don’t thinks so. He was a crybaby. Why should I listen to him?’

Ben Mine Sweeper ‘He has no respect for people of work. He fired Frank First Aid Kit. And for what? For the party of excellence? Better to employ a bodyguard and a loser? You know what his work was before he became the Highest Dwarf? Candle burner! Now that we have electricity, he had to be out of work!’

Opinions are that of clarity. We wonder why anybody obeys Ginger George and faces his punishments, taking into account his lack of experience, animosities, and flaws.

Ginger George knocked on his table. Damian Wish Maker came as soon as possible.

‘Yes, the Highest Dwarf? You wanted me?’

‘I need some rules established. First, I want to forbid the usage of nouns in any printed materials apart from The Kindergarten News.’

‘Even in school books?’

‘Even in school books. They don’t really need nouns, do they?’

‘And the second rule?’

‘It’s not going to be a rule. I need a poll. An opinion poll about my reign, published first thing in the morning in The Kindergarten News. Let’s say...’

Ginger George pondered for a while on the effectiveness of his actions.

‘Yes, Ginger George?’

‘Let’s say, ninety-eight percent positive.’

‘And the other two?’

‘Undecided,’ said Ginger George decisively.

‘Yes, sir, first thing in the morning’

The next day made Ginger George satisfied, as the first page of The Kindergarten News highlighted dwarfs deep satisfaction with his rules. He went to bed in a quiet state of mind to wake up to a special edition of Out of the Box, namely The Highest Dwarf in Awkward Places, which included Ginger George going from the toilet without wiping his ass, eating buggers, picking his nose, crying on his mother’s lap and checking with litmus paper the PH of his meal.

‘How on Earth did they take these pictures?’, he said to himself, embarrassed on having his smudgy ass exposed.

‘Damian Wish Maker!’

‘Yes, sir! On your orders!’

‘I want to forbid the usage of pictures in privately owned newspapers!’

‘Only privately owned?’

‘Yes, I’m going to celebrate my birthday soon. I need nice pictures for the special edition of The Kindergarten News.’

‘Anything else?’

‘I want to be up to date with this Out of the Box. They are plotting something, I’m sure.’

‘Of course, the Highest Dwarf.’

After a couple of days, Ginger George was looking through his daily pile of newspapers to find an article which he simply couldn’t decipher.

Thr hr hrr shr thr rth hr. Fhr Uhr uhr uh uh hr hr. Rhhd, rhdn, nhr hrn arh art. Hr Hr ghrr agrrh rghat hrusst hr hr. Ahrr herrhh hr hr. Whrr hrir hrry hry hyr yhr. Krh thrurr phrr hr hr. Nhr hr hr. Nrh hrrn. Nhrr hr hr. Hrn arh art hr hr. Khr thr thr drh. Chr hragh, frh, shr, srrharh, hr hr. Phr, phraah, hr. Hr hr thrr, thrr, thraaahrh. Fr, fr, thr. Agrh.

‘What does it mean?’

Damian Wish Maker tried to translate what they were reading.

‘There’s a lot of words connected with stupidity... irrationality... hr, I believe means being a moron, phraah being an asshole. It looks like ancient dwarf’s alphabet. I don’t understand the whole of it.’

‘Stupidity, you say? Then, you have to behead Out of the Box!’

‘I’m afraid, it’s legal. They didn’t break any rules. In ancient dwarfs’ language there are only verbs.’