Chapter 7 Redundancy

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‘This is a disaster!’ cried Stevie, hitting his head on the wall of Richard’s room.

Johnny decided that it was a perfect occasion for getting drunk, he took some leftover liquor from the kitchen, sat with the bottle and drank until he got hiccups and his cheeks started getting red. Richard accompanied them in his little space and would have been amused by their small disaster if it hadn’t been for the fact that his little toe amputation was damn serious.

‘This election process seems pretty shady. What kind of democracy do you have?’

‘What is a democracy?’, Stevie and Johnny looked at him in total ignorance.

‘Well,’ Richard laughed ‘It’s when the majority vote for something that is good for them. You opt for the most popular choice. But you know, the majority is the majority. They are not necessarily the smartest group, not the most experienced. In the past, the majority thought that the Earth was flat. So you have to take into account that most people are not always right. They are just the majority...’

‘The Earth is not flat?!’ Johnny stood confused ‘What is it then? Hilly?’

Richard laughed.

‘You do seem to have spent a long time below the ground. It’s actually round.’

‘Woah!’, Johnny was impressed ‘So everybody votes for the Highest Dwarf in your place?’

‘Not for the highest dwarf. For the president, the ruling party, for passing some important decisions.’

‘In that case, the Highest Dwarf would be Slimy Joe. Everybody loves him. He cracks such funny jokes that everybody poops in their pants.’

‘See, democracy has its flaws. But no one came up with a better system. Why did Ginger George become the Highest Dwarf?’

Stevie slapped himself again.

‘Well, that was an old rule. If you killed the Highest Dwarf, ultimately you became the Highest Dwarf yourself. It was from the times when dwarfs were really killing themselves mercilessly. There were months in which there were subsequently ten or twelve highest dwarfs. Once, there were even twenty-seven. But then, dwarfs noticed that being the Highest Dwarf is not the safest position, as you are killed so quickly, so they set a rule that you cannot kill the Highest Dwarf. It’s a title that you have indefinitely. At least until you die. But once the killing was forbidden and they had to find the next one, they set up a new rule that the new Highest Dwarf is the dwarf who is the last one by the Highest Dwarf at the moment of his death. But, you have to understand, Richard, no one really wants to wait such a long time, so dwarfs tend to forget that someone should be waiting by the Highest Dwarf’s site. The idea is so distant that no one really cares. Ginger George was really attentive. The Highest Dwarf used to lose his consciousness or fell into naps in the most bizarre places. He was pretty old.’

‘How old was he?’, Richard was curious.

‘At least four hundred and thirty.’

‘What? How long do you live?’

‘It depends. If you eat healthily, are active and nobody kills you, you can reach even five hundred. But then, you most likely suffer from dementia. I heard about a dwarf who lived till six hundred but he started growing bushes on his face. There was a floating cloud of bees pollinating him in the spring.’

‘How old are you, then?’

‘We are as fresh as flower buds. Not even one hundred fifty. And you?’

‘I’m forty-nine,’ Richard confessed.

‘You’re still a child.’ Stevie said seriously.

‘Yes, but we live on average seventy-eighty years. Some lucky ones live to a hundred.’

‘We’re so sorry!’, they both cried ‘It’s such a short life.

‘It would be longer if I wasn’t kept here against my will. Why are you afraid of Ginger George? Will he be a bad Highest Dwarf?’

‘Richard, the problem is that we know Ginger George. We grew up with him, we know how he behaved when he was younger. We can expect the worst. Do you know what other right does the Highest Dwarf have apart from the protection from being killed?’

‘No, what is it, then?’

‘He has the right to set up rules.’

The first rule that Ginger George introduced was making his coronation an official ceremony. There was supposed to be a feast. Stevie managed to engage three different catering companies to provide five-star restaurant meals, sculpted desserts, and gourmet alcohols.

‘It has to be tip top, Stevie’, Frank First Aid Kit informed him earlier that day, ‘All elder dwarfs are invited. I need top quality food and drinks. We ordered new tables and the lightning. I’m thinking about led lights and cotton-balls. I’m not sure about the coloring, it’s the funeral of The Highest Dwarf but also the Inauguration of Ginger George...’

‘Frank, can I be honest with you? Why do you slave for Ginger George? Don’t you remember what he did to you when we were children?’

Frank rolled his eyes.

‘We are not children anymore, Stevie. I want to fulfill my duties as thoroughly as I possibly can. Can I count on you? Will you do the same?’

Stevie nodded against his will. He didn’t have a choice. Even Richard, possibly out of fear, made sure that all taps worked clockwork and there wasn’t a threat of toilet overflowing due to its increased usage and the number of guests.

‘What did Ginger George do to Frank when you were children, Johnny?’, he asked later that day.

Johnny was after his training classes and they rested on one of the benches, observing other dwarfs setting up decorations for the feast.

‘How do you know?’

‘Stevie mentioned something this morning. I’m curious.’

‘You know Frank, he is a bureaucratic pig. He has always been this way, even when he was a child. The best homework, the most carefully embroidered handkerchief. His parents died when he was little and all his efforts he put into impressing his teachers. He was a lonely child. Not many wanted to play with him, you can be annoyed by his meticulousness. Frank had a squirrel. He found the squirrel by some dustbin, barely alive, with broken legs. It had probably fallen from the tree. Frank took care of it. After a month it was the best-looking squirrel in the area: legs healed, fur shiny, stomach full of nuts. Frank found his best friend. They played together, slept together, dined together and did homework together. And Ginger George noticed the pet and wanted to take it for himself. But the squirrel didn’t like George and it escaped back to Frank. One day, it bit George and George got mad. He kicked it into the air with all his force. It died. Frank was devastated. That was the most beautiful funeral I’ve ever attended. He even organized fireworks and choir singers. Don’t ask me how. He could manage a lot when he was little.’

‘So doesn’t he hold a grudge towards Ginger George?’

‘Probably, he does. We all hold grudges, don’t we?’

‘I suppose, we do. Johnny, how did you lose your toes?’

‘Well, the first time I was caught, I hooked up with Frank’s sister. We were young and stupid, but he still cannot forgive me for that. He didn’t like watching her getting her toe cut. Then, he just couldn’t leave me alone. Whenever I found a new girlfriend, he just followed me and reported on me. A bureaucratic pig, I tell you! You have a toe missing. You know the feeling.’

It was a great feast. There was a band, everything was lighted with little sparkling lights as if they had been in the planetarium. The body of the Highest Dwarf was lying in the glass coffin next to the table, surrounded by flowers. Ginger George was wearing a white robe and had golden leaves in his hair. He looked like Caesar. Many dwarfs who gathered at the tables were looking at him with obvious discontent. They had no other choice but to wine and dine with him, but they had to admit: the food was excellent and cutlery and crockery reminded them of great royal balls, which they were never invited to. Richard noticed that, while Stevie and Johnny didn’t like Ginger George, the new Highest Dwarf had a group of friends who supported him and wholeheartedly congratulated him on his recent promotion.

‘You deserve it, George. You will make things in order again. You will restore everything that we believe in.’

Ginger George nodded, proud as only a dwarf can be.

‘Frank,’ Ginger George called to Frank First Aid Kit when the feast was coming to an end, ‘I will not need your services anymore.’

‘But... Is there anything wrong with the feast?’, Frank was surprised.

‘It’s not about the feast. I just want my dear friend Billy Strong Fist to take your position. You have worked for the Highest Dwarf. Because he is dead, I can choose my own employees. Find yourself a different occupation.’

Frank went red in the face. Ginger George dismissed him in front of everybody. It was a great dishonor as dwarf’s job was his greatest value. He nodded without a word and left the place humiliated. Some of the dwarfs opened their mouths in disbelief. Richard had mixed feelings as it was Frank who kidnapped him and it was Frank who took him underground to make him take part in the trial. On the other hand, thanks to Frank he hadn’t been killed and he had to agree on one thing, it was indeed an excellent feast.