Chapter 9 New Rules

00:59

History of dwarfs remembered a lot of bad dwarf decisions. Only in retrospect dwarfs knew that they had been bad but, on average, they followed their Highest Dwarf unquestionably and trusted him with all their trust. The established rules were at times more than ridiculous and unexplained, however, since these were official rules set sometimes over a hundred years ago, they were often forgotten and dwarfs were surprised that they found themselves punished for deeds which they hadn’t thought to be crimes at all.

Dwarfs were good at their profession, genuinely incomparably good. Richard saw how they attentively polished jewels, how meticulously they prepared gold sculptures, how carefully and in detail designed mines, and there really wasn’t anyone better or more skillful at their craft. There was something magical in the way they could speechlessly cooperate with each other, fulfill even the most complex tasks and follow seemingly impossible plans. Richard was impressed with their organization. But work wasn’t the only sphere of dwarfs’ lives and their personal regulations were oftentimes neglected and full of paradoxes. Richard learned the hard way some of the rules by which they followed. Little toe amputation was just one of these things. One time, when he passed a dwarf child in the corridor (a boy separated his group of underground dwarfs visiting the Kindergarten) and the child screamed out of fear of seeing a human for the first time, Richard was forced to resign from his dinners for a month. He was charged with the second-degree attempt of dwarf-human interaction. His intercourse with Silia Lovely Bottom was vividly remembered, and even though innocent, he was still suspected of the worst. Things got even more awkward when a week later while drinking beer with Stevie and Johnny, Richard burped and all dwarfs gathered at the table looked at him in a disgusted and condemning way. He had been made to publicly apologize. There was also a newspaper note in the same Kindergarten News, which before praised his plumbing skills, highlighting the fact that humans had bad manners and couldn’t behave at mealtimes. Richard could have sworn that he had frequently heard dwarfs farting during conversations and no one made a fuss about it. Burping, as he was explained, was a sign of dissatisfaction with the meal, while farting was a sing of intense digestion and appreciation of the cook’s skill. Funny enough, when he finally farted in front of dwarfs, he was patted on the back and received dozens of welcoming nods, treating him as a part of the dwarf community.

Dwarfs followed traditions, which Richard had to learn. On Fridays, dwarfs didn’t eat breakfast in the remembrance of the dwarf who starved himself to death on one Friday some hundreds of years before, as he preferred to finish his project than to save himself by consuming food. They also celebrated birthdays, especially these round ones. Dwarfs blew one, two, three, four or five hundred candles from ginormous cakes which Stevie ordered from a trusted baker. They also adopted Christian holidays of Christmas and Easter, making the decoration of the Kindergarten a priority and competition. There were contests for the most beautiful Christmas tree, the prettiest Easter bunny, and the best Easter egg. Traditional catering food was ordered and dwarfs sang their versions of Christmas carols or strolled the yard with Easter baskets.

‘You, dwarfs, are quite a customer for these catering companies, aren’t you, Stevie? Don’t they wonder why children order alcohol and organize feasts? Aren’t they suspicious that you might not actually be children?’

‘Richard, we order alcohol not here but at our alternative addresses. The same goes for special food for events. We don’t occupy only Kindergarten. We run a kiosk and a pub. We order wines from monks and we are up to date with recent news from the world. We love these crossroads! They make our mind blow. Four letters, first T, gives you shadow in the sun?’

‘You mean crosswords, Stevie,’ Richard tried to figure out what his little friend was talking about.

‘Wrong! Tree!’

Richard heard stories of how failed plumbing made dwarfs order fizzy drinks and how they died of the overdose of sugar and caused severe diabetes among elder dwarfs.

‘Couldn’t you order sparkling water? Taking into account your size, that was definitely too much sugar to consume!’

‘What’s sparkling water?’

‘Water with gas sold in a bottle,’ Richard explained.

‘You SELL water in bottles?!’, Johnny was astonished, ‘What else do you sell, bottles with air? Sacks with soil? Carpets made from grass?’

Johnny and Stevie both laughed hysterically at the thought.

‘We don’t sell bottles with air yet unless you go scuba diving but then the air is pressed and it’s in a metal container. Sacks of soil are common if you’re into gardening, the same goes with grass carpets. I think selling air will be a prospect at some point. The air is getting polluted. Clean air will be a luxury.’

Johnny looked at Stevie, Stevie looked at Johnny. Then, there was just an overdose of laughter. They couldn’t believe that humans made a business of things available to everybody. Richard didn’t know what was that funny.

During the second week, there were a lot of insignificant administrative changes, including the prohibition of illegal rat fights for rats over the weight of six kilograms and an introduction of an official holiday: Ginger George’s Birthday. One rule, however, was pretty unexpected. The story (widespread within a couple of hours) went that Peter Pot and Pan went to one of the toilets. All were occupied, so he waited for the first one to be available. From the toilet came Ginger George and Peter Pot and Pan nodded in acknowledgment and passed Ginger George, taking his turn.

‘There’s no toilet paper,’ noticed Peter Pot and Pan.

‘I used it before.’ he heard the voice of Ginger George.

‘But there’s even no leftover roll. How long before?’

Ginger George tried to come up with an excuse, but he couldn’t think of anything convincing.

‘I used it before I came here.’

Peter Pot and Pan shrugged and closed himself in the toilet. Later that day there came an official rule:

From now on all dwarfs are obliged to use toilet paper BEFORE they make use of the toilet. Any use of toilet paper AFTER making use of the toilet is forbidden.

‘I thought that the sole purpose of the toilet paper is to wipe your ass once you finish,’ Johnny commented.

‘It is, Johnny,’ Stevie confirmed, ‘Ginger George must somehow hide the fact that he doesn’t use paper at all. See, Richard, we used to wash our bums in the stream or used leaves for centuries. Some still haven’t acquired new methods.’

It took dwarfs some time to get used to the new rule. For some time, without the slightest discussion, they just followed the rule and ended up with their butts smeared and smelly. But once it started getting itchy and they couldn’t stop themselves from scratching, they came up with various solutions. Some of them, pretended to go to the toilet twice and used the toilet paper before their second visit (thus immediately after the first one, which was the real emptying of the bowels) Some of them, switched from toilet paper to kitchen towels to avoid disobeying the law, but Richard had full hands of work because toilets overflew at least twice a day due to the thickness of kitchen towels which clogged the toilet. Finally, Stevie ordered toilet paper which was called toilet fresh flower wipes and dwarfs could use it before or after as there wasn’t any mention of the toilet wipes in the new rule.

First weeks of new rules left dwarfs with a stench of poop stuck to their underwear. Other rules were yet to come. Ginger George didn’t like vegetables and he forced Stevie to stop ordering them from catering companies. This left a lot of dwarfs constipated and deficient in minerals and vitamins, so now they were privately ordering vegetables from farmers and adding them secretly to their meals. Stevie now had full hands of work, as he had to make connections with farmers and manage individual orders.

But Johnny was, in fact, the biggest victim of the new order because all women dwarfs were forbidden to expose their bodies in any form of physical activity. They could swim in mines’ lakes or exercise in their own private rooms but they couldn’t do this outside. Ginger George didn’t like the view of women flaunting their butts, hips, and breasts. There were rumors that in his opinion all women dwarfs should wear potato sacks. Except maybe for Wonderful Wendy. As a result, Johnny was left to run classes with Richard and a few elderly dwarfs who were undergoing geriatric rehabilitation. He did what he could but he deeply felt the change of atmosphere and wasn’t so blissful about his work anymore.

Kindergarten started getting gloomy and depressing, its gates were controlled by Billy Strong Fist and any violation of the rules established by Ginger George was supposed to meet with a punishment far worse than body reduction.